STE: What's In a Name?
by ZenosParadox
Summary: RS, Tu, T, A, Four officers explain why they were ejected from the planet.


Title: What's in a Name?  
  
Author: ZenosParadox  
  
Category: Humor  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Summary: R/S, A, Tu, T, Four officers explain why they were ejected from the planet  
  
Disclaimer: The characters belong to Paramount. This fiction was written solely for personal enjoyment.  
  
WHAT'S IN A NAME?  
  
Captain Jonathan Archer looked at the officers who stood before him. Sub-commander T'Pol and Ensign Hoshi Sato were standing in front of him with expressionless faces. Their uniforms were torn, T'Pol's on the left shoulder and right hip, Hoshi's on the right sleeve and left thigh. T'Pol looked like she would have a black eye once the skin of her left eye darkened. Sato already had a red welt showing on her right cheek.   
  
Beside Hoshi was Lieutenant Malcolm Reed then Commander Trip Tucker, the men surprisingly unscathed although their uniforms were also torn, and in their case, dusty, with both zippers appearing to be broken.   
  
Both men were standing at attention but Tucker looked as though he was trying to contain his amusement. Archer saw Tucker take a long side-ways glance at Reed and almost erupt in laughter. The laugh was prevented when Reed quickly jabbed him in the ribs then resumed his stand.   
  
"Alright. I'm ready to listen to an explanation," said the Captain. "T'Pol, why don't you begin?"  
  
"Captain, we were approached by hostile natives and defended ourselves," said T'Pol simply.  
  
Captain Archer waited. Silence. "That's it? No further details? No reasons for why four of my officers get sent back to the ship by the local magistrates? They demanded we transport you up immediately. Hoshi, why don't you try an explanation?"  
  
"Sir, we were merely protecting the men, sir," began Hoshi, hearing Trip's snicker and Malcolm's quick sh.  
  
"Protecting the men?" asked the Captain, incredulous at the thought.  
  
"What the Ensign means is that the conflict began over whether our--accompanying males were available for--mating," said T'Pol, obviously trying to figure out how to phrase things properly.  
  
"I see. And this required you to protect Tucker and Reed from these--Wait was it men or women who were interested in them?" asked Archer.  
  
"Oh, they were feminine, alright," chimed in Tucker while he cracked a smile.  
  
"Definitely, uh, females, sir." and Reed as he began to flush.  
  
"Okay, so there were native females who, what? Accosted Tucker and Reed?" asked Archer, thinking that the men probably would not have found any feminine attention adverse.  
  
"Well, sir, we first noticed their interest when they, uh, well, when they--" Reed couldn't quite bring himself to say it.  
  
"They were pinching our butts," said Tucker, trying desperately to contain his laughter, especially when he saw the look of chagrin appear on Reed's face. "Course, they seemed more interested in Malcolm."  
  
The scathing look from Reed to Tucker appeared to shut him up.  
  
"And this required that the women protect your virtue?" observed Archer, beginning to see why Trip was so amused.  
  
"Sir, we knew enough about the local customs to have the men walking behind us. What we didn't realize was that we had wandered into a district where males are considered--playthings," said Sato, looking at T'Pol as she struggled to find the right words.   
  
"Sorta like a red light district, Cap'n," offered Tucker helpfully. All the officers nodded their agreement.  
  
"It wasn't until just before the fight broke out that I realized the error in what I had been saying out loud," admitted Sato, wishing she had been more focused on the translation than getting the upper hand with Malcolm as they had walked in the area.  
  
"Are you trying to tell me that this brouhaha was the result of a linguistic error?" Archer now wished he were having a conversation with Porthos!   
  
The Captain saw the side glances Hoshi and Malcolm kept exchanging, Trip still trying to contain his amusement and T'Pol trying to maintain her dignity. He hoped he would soon get a coherent story. He asked his follow-up question, "What exactly was the linguistic error?"  
  
"Well, sir, I kept referring to Lieutenant Reed by his first name, Malcolm," said Hoshi. Trip snickered again.   
  
"And--" prompted Archer. At this point he noticed his Armory Officer blushing wildly. This had to be good.  
  
"The phonemes that comprise the name Malcolm have a certain meaning in the native language," said Hoshi.  
  
"What does Malcolm mean then?" asked Archer patiently.  
  
"The native word is Mawlkohom. Um, the best translation I have for it is 'Stud,' sir. As in breeding stud, sir," said Hoshi, personally horrified at being the one to have to explain this to the Captain. She already felt guilty for putting Malcolm at personal risk, but now this embarrassment! How would she ever look him in the eye again?  
  
"Let me get this straight. You wandered into an district with, say, Amazon women, who were pinching Tucker and Reed in the butt, thinking they were available for stud because you kept calling Lieutenant Reed by his first name? Is that about right?" asked Archer, thinking he had done a great job of keeping a straight face. He noticed all of his officers nodding their head, with Reed being the least enthusiastic in his agreement. "So, how did this turn into a fight?"  
  
"Captain, we were approached to be asked for the--stud fee--for the men," said T'Pol.  
  
"Stud fee?"  
  
"They were offering twice as much for Malcolm than for me," cheeped in Tucker.   
  
"Apparently Tucker translates into dud in their language," offered Reed with a half-smile, glad to finally be getting something amusing out of the predicament.  
  
Sato nodded her head in agreement, "T'Pol kept calling Trip Commander Tucker. Tookar means 'good for one.'"  
  
"Go on. Wait. Mr. Reed, I've not heard much from you. Do you care to elaborate on this fiasco? I'd be interested in why my Armory Officer had to have his virtue defended by the Communications and Science Officers on board."  
  
"Sir, Mr. Tucker and I tried to ignore the attention we were generating among the native women. While the attention might be considered flattering to some," here Reed looked scathingly at Tucker who just smiled, "after a while it becomes quite bothersome. I suggested to Ensign Sato that we had best move on, but she insisted that she needed to go deeper into the community to collect the best variety of dialects for her to translate."  
  
"And that's why the native women kept hearing Hoshi calling you Malcolm? Because you were arguing about how far to walk?"  
  
"Yes, sir." Reed then added, "At that point we noticed several of the women repeating the same phrase, as if calling my name."  
  
"But Malcolm didn't tell me what his problem was. I thought he was just being paranoid, not being goosed by every woman who came within range," said Hoshi, with a pleading look toward Malcolm.  
  
"Well, let's get back to the details of the case, shall we. Mr. Reed, please proceed."  
  
"Hoshi finally translated what the women had been asking her. Essentially, how much would it cost for mine and Mr. Tucker's, uh, services. She tried to tell them we weren't available, but it had no effect. So T'Pol concocted an alibi."  
  
"An alibi?" asked Archer.  
  
"Captain, I instructed Ensign Sato to inform the women that Mr. Tucker and Mr. Reed were her husbands, thinking that the marriage bond would suffice to dampen their enthusiasm for the men." T'Pol looked as pleased as a Vulcan could at the logic she had offered at the time.   
  
"But there was just a little hitch. See, the women had heard T'Pol call me Tucker," added Trip, his face grinning at the memory.  
  
"So, you see, the native women thought that I had sold Trip's services to T'Pol and insisted that he be made available to them," said Hoshi.  
  
"Then at this point, Malcolm was safe because everyone thought he was your husband," concluded Archer.  
  
"Actually, they assumed I was lying about him, too, and was just trying to up his stud price," confessed Hoshi.  
  
'Is that when the fighting broke out?" asked Archer.  
  
"Sir, really, it was the native women who delivered the first blow," said Reed, trying to defend the honor of the Starfleet uniform and the woman who wore it. He was feeling less upset with Hoshi as she became distressed with relating the situation to Archer. Damn the name Malcolm. He'd never liked it much in the first place and now it had gotten him into trouble.  
  
"You men let the women do your fighting? Mr. Reed, somehow I'm surprised by this," said Archer.  
  
"Now, hold on, Cap'n. We had, I swear, a dozen women..."   
  
"I counted four on you and six on me."  
  
"...on each of us, trying to do their best to check out the merchandise before the sale was final, if you know what I mean."  
  
"I was able to get loose so I grabbed the Commander who appeared a bit reluctant to disengage himself, if I might add," began Reed as Tucker merely shrugged his shoulders, "and hoisted him up to a roof with me so we could survey what was happening with Hoshi and T'Pol."   
  
"Gave us a great perspective to root for our team. Now don't give me that look, Malcolm. I heard you yelling encouragement to Hoshi while we watched from the roof," said Trip as he glanced back to the Lieutenant.  
  
"At that point I was trying to extract Ensign Sato from the women who were attacking her," said T'Pol.  
  
"Actually, sir, Hoshi was doing a fine job of self-defense--"   
  
"Really, Malcolm? You think your work with me has paid off?"  
  
"Well, of course, I mean, look at you. You've got little more than a bump on the cheek--"  
  
"I did hear your warnings and I am learning from the best!"  
  
"Could we save the mutual admiration for some other time? Now, tell me, T'Pol, how did you get that shiner? Between the nerve pinch and your Vulcan strength, I'm surprised you came out looking worse for wear than Hoshi."  
  
"Oh, that was my fault, Cap'n," admitted Tucker rather sheepishly. Archer merely looked questioningly at his friend.  
  
Tucker continued his explanation. "Well, the magistrates showed up about the time Hoshi decked her last assailant. I called to T'Pol to let her know Malcolm and I were safe, but then I just swung down from the roof without thinking--"  
  
"And his foot connected with my eye," finished T'Pol.  
  
"Sorry 'bout that, T'Pol, I wasn't thinking you'd be right below us like that. But it looks like you're gonna have a great shiner. I'm impressed," said Trip.   
  
"Very well. I'll report the incident as a result of a linguistic misunderstanding," said Archer, shaking his head then putting his face into his hands. "Dismissed."  
  
------  
  
"Come on, a steak on the shiner works every time, T'Pol," said Trip, trying to convince the Vulcan to try the old Earth custom, if not a remedy.  
  
"It is meat, Commander..."  
  
Hoshi and Malcolm heard them arguing the benefits and horrors of the procedure as they walked off together. Hoshi turned to Malcolm and they both suddenly started laughing. Putting their arms around each other's shoulders, they began walking to her quarters.  
  
"Let's get some ice on that cheek so that it doesn't bruise," suggested Malcolm.  
  
"Hm, I was thinking maybe that you could kiss it and make it better," said Hoshi.  
  
"I'm at your service, dear lady. No charge," said Malcolm.   
  
Did she just pinch him?  
  
*****  
  
Author Notes:  
  
Had a friend in college who would get men's attention in a certain way. This one's for her. Written May, 2002, 5 pages, posted at LD.   
  
Reviews are not necessary. Thanks for taking the time to read. 


End file.
